My life has been in this incredibly impressive downward spiral for the past almost two months, and I don't get to talk about it i with the person I want to the most because of it.




What I thought was rock bottom is nothing compared to this.

so you say that even when the loss stare into nothing they can see everthing that is before them.: im so fucking bitter. a;sldfjas;ldfjadflkguhwdikpa...

im so fucking bitter. a;sldfjas;ldfjadflkguhwdikpafhadofiukbf ousdfkandjKUXbvqaeouknqwa

looking for the inspiration you can only find looking at the skyline of paris

What happened to the girls who always took pictures on the mailbox? And the two fifteen year olds who fell in love? I think we've lost ourselves, my loves. I guess I shouldn't speak as a whole. The melancholy is taking me over today. Not really a nostalgic melancholy like it sounds like, but just a subtle sadness about what life is now over what it was then. Only one person knows every single thing about me and I walk all over that person. I think I walk all over everybody without ever realizing it because I'm just selfish and I know it.
I have this idea that if I only depend on myself for the rest of my life, it'll be so much easier. But I want to depend on someone. I don't want to be lonely all the time. I want people to depend on me and they can't do that if I don't depend on them. Living that life would be so lonely.
Why isn't it socially acceptable for people to run away from their problems? If I could, I would run away right this second, but too many things hold me here. I'm bad at handling life sometimes. Things get overwhelming and I boil over and explode and I end up doing and saying things I regret. But so far today, I don't really regret anything and I'm not thinking twice about my decisions. Well, I am, but not changing my mind about them the more I think about them.
I want to go to Montmartre and sit on the steps of Sacre Couer and just sit and look and really feel where I am and try to be happy and escape. I need camp, where nothing matters and nothing else exists when you're there. When I'm there, I even forget some people exist. It's weird, but it's what I love about it, and I need it.

I can't help but thinking about how much has changed and how much is still going to change before time comes to an almost stand still. I wish there was someway to have some sort of clue what is going to happen in the future.
Kyle and I were talking one night and i told him i thought i was afraid of the dark. I'm sixteen, and afraid of the dark. I also said how i just don't like to not be able to tell where i'm going like on the ride at silver dollar city that got dark and i hated it. that's when i realized that's exactly how i am with the future. it's dark, and i'm very afraid.
he also said how he hates talking or thinking about the future, but it's like ninety percent of my thoughts all the time and i just can't help it because i want to figure it out. like you can't just not think about it because it's coming and you have to have at least a vague idea of what you want of are going to do.
right now, i want to graduate, move out, college, marriage, and that's what i have.

a little over a month until this year is over. it's kind of bittersweet. this year has been filled with so many firsts and memories and bad but very good things but i just think i'm ready for it to be over. i'm ready for the possibility of a new years kiss and skating again. also with next year come my senior year and europe and new adventures with my new shoes and nicer clothes that i bought to put a stop to tshirts and jeans. it means two years with my boy, but that's also the time where it seems like most couples end so i'm scared. it means applying for college and looking for places to live. one year until i leave this house. all of this is hitting me now and i'm panicking.

i'm the type of person who has to have my shit together always and that almost never works out for me.

The thing about forever

Forever is such a hard concept to grasp for me. Whether it be God's eternal life forever or our time on this earth "forever." Especially when it comes to relationships. I can't wrap my head around someone being with one person for the rest of their lives. Yes, I have a love interest. Yes, I want to be with him forever, but that's not one hundred percent sure. It's terrifying to think that one day we possibly couldn't be together or even not be just friends. He's my best friend. Him and Lex. My two closest friends. My all. My wonderwalls. My boy and I have had our little thing going for a year in a little over a month. It's a long time for high school relationships, but it's just the beginning if we plan on staying together. There are people all around who have been with their spouse for many many years and they could have possibly been only their first or second love interests, yet I still can't see how people can stay together forever. That sounds terrible, and I'm starting to repeat myself. I want to be with this boy forever, and people want us to be too, and I have faith in us, but it's still. So. Hard. For me to think about forever.
On another note, jealousy. It's my greatest weakness. So the boy showed up outside my window. I was so happy, but then I realized he came for a book from my friend down the street, stayed for tea, then came to my house. I'm still glad he came and all, hut I couldn't help feeling that pain of jealousy that he stayed for a while and basically ran from my house. Oh well. It's over now, and I've had a good day. It still made me happy. I'm over it.
Moving on. I feel like I've gotten myself in too deep with my boy. Just like love. I know I'm in love with him, but I don't ever like saying so because people doubt it so much especially because we're only fifteen and sixteen. If anything happens to us, we'll both be really heartbroken because we're so emotionally attached now, and sometimes I try to think of reasons we wouldn't stay together. That always ends badly. The only reason I could ever think of is me getting bored of him. I hate that though. I also wonder if he gets jealous as much as j do. I also feel like I depend on him more than he depends on me. Just a thought.
Last one I promise. Does anyone ever doubt their love for someone? Like, sometimes I question whether I love him or not. I know I do, as previously stated, but I still overthink everything. I also have those typical girl thoughts like "he doesn't love me" blah blah blah. I hate those kinds.
Nevermind. This is the last. My friend who is an adult woman, said the other day that teenagers shouldn't date because they are still finding themselves, and they could change at anytime. You could get into a relationship and never really know a person because you didn't know their fully matured, found self. This thought just had to put another doubt in my mind. I hate being an stupid, emotional, teenage girl sometimes. BUT I did say back to my friend that the two people could also find themselves through their significant other, and grow together. She agreed, and my thoughts were somewhat put at peace.
To the nonexistent readers of this blog, I apologize for such a stupid post all about my emotional teenage girlness. I just had to get these thoughts out.

With skating

With skating, I felt powerful. Knowing and feeling the power underneath the two blades made me so happy. I could do whatever I wanted with just a small turn of my skate or a hop. It was wonderful. I was confident with what I could do.
With skating, I could skate anything away. If I was having a bad day, I wouldn't want to skate, but I did and I always felt better. I was happy. I could dig my toepicks into the ice with a jump or spin as fast as I could where I couldn't think anymore. If I was happy, I would skate with everything I had. Those were the best days. The days I wasn't lazy. I could actually do everything.
With skating, I didn't have to worry about others bringing me down with my competitions. Sounds conceited. I know. But I've never been a team player. I am too competitive. It was perfect.
With skating, everything changed. So many people left. The rink was a different place taken over by the small children with big skating egos. I truly didn't like the rink. My coach of four years left. It broke my heart. I cried when I saw her again. She lit up my life.
With skating, I've never regretted losing something so much. It was my passion. Almost my life. Not anything like the movie skaters, but my life nonetheless.
With skating, I've never cried or thought about anything so much. I've never needed to do something so badly.
Now it's time to stop whining and do something about it. I will skate again, and it will be soon.

"I love you."
"I love you too.. A lot."
"I love you more."
"No."
"I love you more than there are acorns on the trampoline."
"I love you more than there are stars in the sky."
"HA. It's Oklahoma. I win!"
"Noooo."
"I'd say my last one but I'll save it when we go to the beach.. I'm pretty sure you know what I'd say now."
"Yeah. :)"