My life has been in this incredibly impressive downward spiral for the past almost two months, and I don't get to talk about it i with the person I want to the most because of it.




What I thought was rock bottom is nothing compared to this.

so you say that even when the loss stare into nothing they can see everthing that is before them.: im so fucking bitter. a;sldfjas;ldfjadflkguhwdikpa...

im so fucking bitter. a;sldfjas;ldfjadflkguhwdikpafhadofiukbf ousdfkandjKUXbvqaeouknqwa

looking for the inspiration you can only find looking at the skyline of paris

What happened to the girls who always took pictures on the mailbox? And the two fifteen year olds who fell in love? I think we've lost ourselves, my loves. I guess I shouldn't speak as a whole. The melancholy is taking me over today. Not really a nostalgic melancholy like it sounds like, but just a subtle sadness about what life is now over what it was then. Only one person knows every single thing about me and I walk all over that person. I think I walk all over everybody without ever realizing it because I'm just selfish and I know it.
I have this idea that if I only depend on myself for the rest of my life, it'll be so much easier. But I want to depend on someone. I don't want to be lonely all the time. I want people to depend on me and they can't do that if I don't depend on them. Living that life would be so lonely.
Why isn't it socially acceptable for people to run away from their problems? If I could, I would run away right this second, but too many things hold me here. I'm bad at handling life sometimes. Things get overwhelming and I boil over and explode and I end up doing and saying things I regret. But so far today, I don't really regret anything and I'm not thinking twice about my decisions. Well, I am, but not changing my mind about them the more I think about them.
I want to go to Montmartre and sit on the steps of Sacre Couer and just sit and look and really feel where I am and try to be happy and escape. I need camp, where nothing matters and nothing else exists when you're there. When I'm there, I even forget some people exist. It's weird, but it's what I love about it, and I need it.

I can't help but thinking about how much has changed and how much is still going to change before time comes to an almost stand still. I wish there was someway to have some sort of clue what is going to happen in the future.
Kyle and I were talking one night and i told him i thought i was afraid of the dark. I'm sixteen, and afraid of the dark. I also said how i just don't like to not be able to tell where i'm going like on the ride at silver dollar city that got dark and i hated it. that's when i realized that's exactly how i am with the future. it's dark, and i'm very afraid.
he also said how he hates talking or thinking about the future, but it's like ninety percent of my thoughts all the time and i just can't help it because i want to figure it out. like you can't just not think about it because it's coming and you have to have at least a vague idea of what you want of are going to do.
right now, i want to graduate, move out, college, marriage, and that's what i have.

a little over a month until this year is over. it's kind of bittersweet. this year has been filled with so many firsts and memories and bad but very good things but i just think i'm ready for it to be over. i'm ready for the possibility of a new years kiss and skating again. also with next year come my senior year and europe and new adventures with my new shoes and nicer clothes that i bought to put a stop to tshirts and jeans. it means two years with my boy, but that's also the time where it seems like most couples end so i'm scared. it means applying for college and looking for places to live. one year until i leave this house. all of this is hitting me now and i'm panicking.

i'm the type of person who has to have my shit together always and that almost never works out for me.

The thing about forever

Forever is such a hard concept to grasp for me. Whether it be God's eternal life forever or our time on this earth "forever." Especially when it comes to relationships. I can't wrap my head around someone being with one person for the rest of their lives. Yes, I have a love interest. Yes, I want to be with him forever, but that's not one hundred percent sure. It's terrifying to think that one day we possibly couldn't be together or even not be just friends. He's my best friend. Him and Lex. My two closest friends. My all. My wonderwalls. My boy and I have had our little thing going for a year in a little over a month. It's a long time for high school relationships, but it's just the beginning if we plan on staying together. There are people all around who have been with their spouse for many many years and they could have possibly been only their first or second love interests, yet I still can't see how people can stay together forever. That sounds terrible, and I'm starting to repeat myself. I want to be with this boy forever, and people want us to be too, and I have faith in us, but it's still. So. Hard. For me to think about forever.
On another note, jealousy. It's my greatest weakness. So the boy showed up outside my window. I was so happy, but then I realized he came for a book from my friend down the street, stayed for tea, then came to my house. I'm still glad he came and all, hut I couldn't help feeling that pain of jealousy that he stayed for a while and basically ran from my house. Oh well. It's over now, and I've had a good day. It still made me happy. I'm over it.
Moving on. I feel like I've gotten myself in too deep with my boy. Just like love. I know I'm in love with him, but I don't ever like saying so because people doubt it so much especially because we're only fifteen and sixteen. If anything happens to us, we'll both be really heartbroken because we're so emotionally attached now, and sometimes I try to think of reasons we wouldn't stay together. That always ends badly. The only reason I could ever think of is me getting bored of him. I hate that though. I also wonder if he gets jealous as much as j do. I also feel like I depend on him more than he depends on me. Just a thought.
Last one I promise. Does anyone ever doubt their love for someone? Like, sometimes I question whether I love him or not. I know I do, as previously stated, but I still overthink everything. I also have those typical girl thoughts like "he doesn't love me" blah blah blah. I hate those kinds.
Nevermind. This is the last. My friend who is an adult woman, said the other day that teenagers shouldn't date because they are still finding themselves, and they could change at anytime. You could get into a relationship and never really know a person because you didn't know their fully matured, found self. This thought just had to put another doubt in my mind. I hate being an stupid, emotional, teenage girl sometimes. BUT I did say back to my friend that the two people could also find themselves through their significant other, and grow together. She agreed, and my thoughts were somewhat put at peace.
To the nonexistent readers of this blog, I apologize for such a stupid post all about my emotional teenage girlness. I just had to get these thoughts out.

With skating

With skating, I felt powerful. Knowing and feeling the power underneath the two blades made me so happy. I could do whatever I wanted with just a small turn of my skate or a hop. It was wonderful. I was confident with what I could do.
With skating, I could skate anything away. If I was having a bad day, I wouldn't want to skate, but I did and I always felt better. I was happy. I could dig my toepicks into the ice with a jump or spin as fast as I could where I couldn't think anymore. If I was happy, I would skate with everything I had. Those were the best days. The days I wasn't lazy. I could actually do everything.
With skating, I didn't have to worry about others bringing me down with my competitions. Sounds conceited. I know. But I've never been a team player. I am too competitive. It was perfect.
With skating, everything changed. So many people left. The rink was a different place taken over by the small children with big skating egos. I truly didn't like the rink. My coach of four years left. It broke my heart. I cried when I saw her again. She lit up my life.
With skating, I've never regretted losing something so much. It was my passion. Almost my life. Not anything like the movie skaters, but my life nonetheless.
With skating, I've never cried or thought about anything so much. I've never needed to do something so badly.
Now it's time to stop whining and do something about it. I will skate again, and it will be soon.

"I love you."
"I love you too.. A lot."
"I love you more."
"No."
"I love you more than there are acorns on the trampoline."
"I love you more than there are stars in the sky."
"HA. It's Oklahoma. I win!"
"Noooo."
"I'd say my last one but I'll save it when we go to the beach.. I'm pretty sure you know what I'd say now."
"Yeah. :)"

Ian Silver.

I never knew anything I said to or around him ever really got to him. Not like got to him. But just I never knew he would think about anything I said until I read his blog. I've always thought I was just "Kyle's friend" or something like that. He thinks I'm a slut. I know it. He tells me. You know. It's our friendship. For real, it seems I'm always happiest riding in his car. Make what you want of that statement, Lex. But really, the people, the atmosphere, the music. Everything's always perfect. Even if he has to "keep his eyes forward for the sake of humanity." I'm not a slut! I promise! But anyways, that's kind of all I wanted to say. HI IAN.

Love is madness.

People always say they want to know what Love is. They go to websites and books to try to learn. I truly do not think anything can tell you what Love is. You have to find out what Love is. On your own. In my fifteen years, I've learned that Love isn't just limited to boyfriend/girlfriend relationships.
Love is the feeling of God completely wrapped around you. Knowing that great Love is indescribable. It's warming and a huge comfort. You have faith in your future. An agape Love.
Love is you and your best friend talking at her locker after school. About your day. About anything that comes to mind. Simply talking. Bonding. Learning even more about her even after five years of being best friends.
Love is staying up late on the phone with your best guy friend, and realizing you're in Love with him. It's that feeling of never wanting to leave that person. That comfortableness you have with him. You could never get tired of him. It's Loving him even if people say you're too young or it's just an infatuation. It's believing Love can withstand.
These are examples of Love I've found. I'm certain the Love you find won't be exactly like mine. Like I said, you have to find it on your own. It's a journey, and I'm still learning what Love is.

It's a good feeling

Talks of Jesus.
Talks of hating your mom's boyfriend.
Talks of bad relationships.
Talks of people.
Talks of your past.
Talks of your sister.
Talks of that mean girl.
Talks of moving out.
Talks of love sparks.
Talks of what certain songs are about.
Talks of dreams.

Late at night. Never wanting to stop talking. Blissful.

I'm having one of those nights.

You know those nights where you know you could cry really hard for a long time? Where you almost want to because you know it'd make you feel a lot better. Just a huge mental breakdown for no reason.

Defiant

It's two in the morning. You're driving home with the guy you fall hard for. Sitting in the backseat. He's holding you, and you're falling asleep in his arms. You don't speak. You listen to the music. There's not a worry in your mind. Life could stay like this forever. Just driving. He kisses your head. You're wondering if he really did, or if you were dreaming. It's the feeling of bliss. His brother gets to your house, but you don't want to leave. You hug, and walk inside. You're shaking from happiness. Dizzy. Can't stop smiling. You're mom comes in, and you have to control your smile from being too great. She leaves, and he calls. Bliss.
Your best friend gets out of the shower at two thirthy in the morning, says "lets go," and pulls you out your window. You have no idea what she's doing, but you go with it. The two of you run to the big intersection around the corner. You stand under the stoplight and dance. You both turn and sprint the way home, dive into the window. You defied gravity. It was bliss.

Okay.

My friend and I didn't get the point of being fourteen. It's dumb. You can't drive, you can't have a job. You're so restrained by so many things. I talked to my other friend about it the other night.
She told me that fourteen was the year you find out who you are. You realize who your true friends are, and that you honestly don't know what to do with your life.
When I was fourteen, everything changed.
So much happened.
Completely different friends.
First boyfriends.
First kisses.
Losing friends.
Making the best friends I could imagine.
Realizing you don't know everything about a person.
First cuss words.
Big drama.
High school.
Switching schools.
Losing interest.
Before this year, I didn't even know four of my seven best friends. I can't imagine not knowing them now.
At fifteen, I want to make life okay. It's a new start. I'm ready to see what it has in store for me.

14.

When I was fourteen, I kissed two boys that I wish could have been only one.
When I was fourteen, I met four of my seven best friends.
When I was fourteen, I fell in love.
When I was fourteen, I had my first friend with benefits.
When I was fourteen, I lost a lot of friends. 
When I was fourteen, I changed schools.
When I was fourteen, I started to blog.
When I was fourteen, I said I love you and meant it.
When I was fourteen, I snuck out my window at 2:30 with my best friend.
When I was fourteen, I filled up my iPod.
When I was fourteen, I pulled my first all nighter.
When I was fourteen, I talked on the phone for five hours.
When I was fourteen, I didn't care about my hair.
When I was fourteen, I realized family is most certainly not restricted to blood relatives.
When I was fourteen, I said my first cuss word.
When I was fourteen, my taste in music changed drastically.
When I was fourteen, I loved summer.
When I was fourteen, nothing stopped me.
When I was fourteen, I had my first Red Bull.
When I was fourteen, I met my mom and my Soul Sister.
When I was fourteen, I stopped skating.
When I was fourteen, I learned I could survive off of two hours of sleep.
When I was fourteen, I stopped eating breakfast.
When I was fourteen, I moshed with two of my best friends.
When I was fourteen, I fell in love with my mountains.
When I was fourteen, I slept in my closet.
When I was fourteen, I found the meaning of being fourteen.
When I was fourteen, I was a movie junkie.
When I was fourteen, I made perverted jokes.
When I was fourteen. I knew stuff I wasn't supposed to know about people.
When I was fourteen, my sister got married.
When I was fourteen, I belonged.
When I was fourteen, I got my braces off.
When I was fourteen, I didn't go to Loughridge.
When I was fourteen, I made a list of men I'm in love with.
When I was fourteen, I became a River.
When I was fourteen, I wished. A lot.
When I was fourteen, my friend group completely changed.
When I was fourteen, I had 24 nicknames.
When I was fourteen, I almost fell out of a tree.
When I was fourteen, I measured my life in love sparks.
When I was fourteen, I bought a box of condoms.
When I was fourteen, I was all for illegal.
When I was fourteen, I like to wear dresses and skirts.
When I was fourteen, I had lots of bracelets.
When I was fourteen, it seemed like everyone knew where I lived.
When I was fourteen, I climbed through windows all the time.
When I was fourteen, I hated high school.
When I was fourteen, I hated being fourteen.
When I was fourteen, I made out with a boy on my roof.
When I was fourteen, I got engaged in a Barnes and Noble bookstore children's section.
When I was fourteen, I realized I had no freaking idea what I wanted to do with my life.
When I was fourteen, I made more friends than I had.
When I was fourteen, concerts were like my drug.
When I was fourteen, I never got bored.
When I was fourteen, I danced under a stoplight.

9 inches.

I just want to say, I hate that I dated you. Frealz. You gross me out. I also hate hearing about you, like when people talk about you. Kaybye.

Swinging in the rain, humming melodies.

People ask, all the time, what girls look for in a guy. Here's my answer.

I want a guy that will like all my little quarks. He'll be okay with just going with it sometimes. He'll be spontaneous, and adventuresome. He won't care what others think of him. He'll just hold me when I want him to, and not even have to talk. He won't be awkward in silence, but we'll almost never run out of conversation. He'll be the one that makes me happy no matter what. A guy that loves to smile, and will tell me his thoughts. He'll walk into my life, and change it forever. Never leave. He will love Jesus with all his heart. He'll dance with me and kiss me in the rain. I won't have to worry about impressing him or feeling the need to be "normal" around him. We'll take goofy pictures for fun. He'll be my best friend. I'll tell him everything without having to worry about everyone knowing the next day. He'll treat me with respect. He'll want to kiss me. And won't make me do things I don't want to do. He'll love laying in the grass watching the stars, and taking walks late at night. He'll call me beautiful even when I feel ugly. He'll hold me when I'm upset, and most of all, he'll love me for who I am, and won't change for anyone.

Guys, I think I know who I just described.

...?Crunk Pugs?

B: IKINDALOVEYOUSHHHH


J: ILOVEYOUTOO *YELLS TO THE WORLD SO EVERYONE KNOWS I LOVE YOU*


B: <3333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333 *LOVES YOU SO HARD*


J: OH BABY!!!! *LOVES YOU DOWN* :):)


B:DON'T LET ANYONE LOVE YOU DOWN!
UNLESS IT'S ME
<333


J: OKAY. I'LL SAVE MY BAWDY JUST FOR YOU!!!! ONLY YOU! EVERERRERERRR!!!!! <3<3


B: I'LL HOLD YOU TO YOUR WOOOOORD!


J: AIGHT :):)
JESUS WILL TOO!


B: I'M GAME!


J: GOTTA GETCHA GETCHA HEAD IN THE GAME!


B: BABY COME BACK!


J: YOUR LOVES GOT ME LOOKING SO CRAZY RIGHT NOW


B: YOUR LOVE YOUR LOVE YOUR LOVE IS MY DRUG


J: I KNOW I CAN MAKE YA SAY OOooOooOoOOOOOoOOoO


B: I CAN HAS PUGS?


J: I DONT HAS GET JOKE
:D:D


B: AWH PUGS


J: ?!?!?!?!?!?!?!!?!?!
JELLO


B: DRUNK RHYMES WITH CRINK
I MEAN CRUNK


J:HAHAHAHAHAHA
*HOLDS CAN OF CRUNK* LOOK. IM GETTTING CRUNK.
CRUNK=CRAZY DRUNK


B: *POURS CAN OF CRUNK ALL OVER HERSELF*
YOU DA CRAZY DRUNK


J: WET T-SHIRT CONTEST? :D:D
<3<3


B: HELLZ YES
YOU'LL WIN.
IKNOWIT
MMM
OOH
<3<3


J: HAHAHAHAHAH XD
BUT BUT BUT
WHAT IF....*WHISPERS* MY BOOBIES SHOW
o_o


B: THAT'S A PLUS!
WHAT?!!?1?1/1/!>1>1/.!?


J: YEHAH!! CAUSE BROOKLYN+BOOBIES= ...?CRUNK PUGS?


B: YEAH IT DOES


J: SOOO UHMM. YOU SINGLE?


B: YEAH. YOU LOOKIN? ;))


J: I'M SWIMMIN AMONGST THE FISHIES


B: PICK ME PICK ME
*PARTY BOYS YOU*
KAYLOVEYOUIMMASLEEP<333NICETALKMMMMMM


J: MMMM IMMA MISS YOU
SWEET DREAMS
<3<3
:):)


B: DREAM OF ME BABY


J: BACK AT YA BABILICIOUS
X)


B: MMM<3BYEE


J: :)))

Truth is.

I'm terrified of growing up.

ReFUGE.

So, I was reading my best friend's blog, and i cried like every couple posts. I have no idea why. I just want out. I layed in my closet cause I go there to think, sleep, pray, cry. Anything. It's my refuge. Thought: two of my best friends layed in it this week. I wish they were here. Anyways, lately, I haven't been myself. I have, but I just don't know anymore. My mom used to be my best friend. I told her everything. Now, I don't like when she's home. I want to yell bad words at her because she pisses me off. I hope it's just a stupid teenage phase.
Another thing I noticed is I neverwant to skate anymore. It's not the same as it used to be. I don't think it's fun anymore. I hate thinking that. I don't want it to be just another thing I've quit. I've quit a lot.
I want to be myself again. To not have mental breakdowns every month and a half about. To spend more time with Lexie. To not get angry every time I talk to my mom. To not want to leave so badly. To not say bad words. Just be me.

On opposite poles of the planet.

My mom wants me to have a cliché romance. She wants me to fall in love like the movies: with the person everyone knows you're going to fall in love with. I don't want to fall in love like that. I want to fall in love with the least likely person. Someone that even I'll be surprised for falling in love with. I want to experience everything. I want to live with no fear. No restraints.
Im tired of these lectures about keeping jobs and concert choices. Let me go. I don't want to be like my mom. She doesn't know me at all. If I ever start acting like her, someone please tell me. She's so freaking traditional. She is the epitamy of traditional. It's so frustrating.
She makes SO MANY excuses for EVERYTHING. UGGGGGHHHHHH. She tries to shelter me. I am not sheltered. I never do anything bad, but she thinks I'm the worst kid ever for getting a B or not wanting to do something or forgetting to pick up a piece of paper. I don't constantly think of cleaning. There's always a freaking lot on my mind.